April has been a wonderful month! I'm at 227 pics so far and it just keeps getting more and more fun.  :)

 

Cool stuff at weddings

 

little boy icing-grin

 

Beautiful little girls and yummy evening light

 

My unbelievably handsome boyfriend

 

I think I've read Job more often than any other book in the Bible. I'm not sure it's exactly my favorite book but it comes really close. I love it deeply. It challenges me and confuses me and comforts me. There's such a huge diversity of language in that book. The suffering, the pain that's almost unbearable to even try to fathom; the friendly advice that is sometimes true and sometimes very obviously a misunderstanding (so like people who try to comfort us in our pain sometimes...they say all the wrong things but you have to forgive them because they mean well..or you try to tell yourself they do:P). Job is kind of sarcastic in one part and a chuckle bubbled out the first time I caught that verse. It was so surprising. For some reason, you just don't expect sarcasm from someone as patient and saintly as Job. Just in case you don't believe me, it's in the beginning of chapter 12 and reads, "I'm sure you speak for all the experts, and when you die there'll be no one left to tell us how to live." In the KJV it says, "No doubt but ye are the people; and wisdom shall die with you." Doesn't it make you smile? :) Then there's the conversations between God and Satan, and then at the end, when God speaks (or more like shouts) for 4 chapters straight, and that's what jumped out at me this time.

 

Huge moon

 

butterflies same color as flowers

 

twirling girls

 

My awesome brothers :)

 

weirdly shaped four-leaf clovers

 

awesome snacks ;)

 

trying out new foods (especially when they turn out yummy)

 

When butterflies randomly land on me!

 

 

Us..<3

 

winking girlies 

 

my honor-student pin that I'm pretty proud of..:)

 

them..

 

You know how there's so much about God speaking in a still small voice? He does. But it's putting him in a box to say that he's ALWAYS going to speak that way. He definitely didn't with Job. Maybe it's like C.S.Lewis says that God shouts to us in our pain. If anyone had a right to ask God "Why!?" it's Job. He lost more than most of us have. It says clearly that he never sinned with his mouth through the entire ordeal and that would have been very difficult with friends preaching at you trying to get you to admit to sins you never committed because obviously, if you've lost so much and are so completely tormented, this MUST be a punishment for some horror you committed. Right? Not really. There could be a lesson in there somewhere. ;) 

Anyway, God spoke to Job out of a whirlwind. He's extremely challenging. Some of the language sounds like God wants to fight. My heart starts beating faster as I read those chapters because it feels like God is reaching down and almost shaking me like he shook Job. He says, "Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge? Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me." Doesn't it sound like shouting? It's super intense to me. He goes on, "Where was thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? Declare, if thou has understanding. Hast thou commanded the morning since thy days; and caused the day spring to know his place; that it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it?" And God goes on for a while, listing his mighty works. This starts in chapter 38 and goes on through 41 (with a little spot where Job talks in between there). If you want your mind blown on God's awesomeness, go read it. 

 

 

Grandpa and his grandchildren

 

keeping those sunglasses on

 

pretty drinks

 

green grass and long evening shadows

 

 

My first bouquet of daisies...they're my favorite flower but even I must admit that they stink. :P

 

 

reading the last chapter of this monstrocious book

 

"Then Job answered the Lord, and said, Behold I am vile; what shall I answer thee? I will lay mine hand upon my mouth," and later he says, "I know that thou canst do every thing, and that no thought can be with-holden from thee. Who is he that hideth counsel without knowledge? Therefore have I uttered that I understood not; things too wonderful for me, which I knew not. Hear I beseech thee, and I will speak: I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear; but now mine eye seeth thee: Wherefore I abhor myself and repent in dust and ashes." Then God scolds Job's friends and has them sacrifice an offering and Job prays for them and in the end, Job has twice as much as he had before he lost everything. 

I think my favorite line in the above is how Job says (in my words) "What is there for me to say? I place my hand over my mouth." There's something so humble and beautiful about it. And how he despises himself and repents...because I suppose when you think about it, after you catch a glimpse of God's majesty and power, what more is there to say or do? Seeing his greatness reveals how small and despicable we are. It also reveals the magnitude of his love for us. Job didn't even have what we do in salvation through Jesus. A love so great...from One so...*searches for word*...it doesn't make sense. What else do we do? But bow before him and surrender everything. And live a life of thanks.

 

 

This adorable little girl

 

cousins

 

 

Easter Morning

 

I became an organ/tissue donor this month :)

 

the amazing parents

 

Ryan keeping me silent company as I study outside..:)

 

Fatima :)

 

new dress for graduation ;)

 

weird grass that seems to glow 

 

"Are you gifted, attractive, eloquent, brilliant, creative or clever? Are  your opportunities in life favorable because you were born in the right family or the right country? If you have any of these traits or good circumstances, you have only God to thank for them. Even your hard work can be traced to the personality He gave you and perhaps the upbringing he arranged for you. Indeed, the very notion that we are entitled to anything that comes from God's hand is wrong." -Richard Sterns

 

wind in grass

 

Dar's "birthday cake"

 

I've discovered a love for making cupcakes :)

 

pizza/movie night with my guy

 

tiny bunny that lives under our porch and comes out to munch on clover sometimes..

 

-me

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things" 

 

The fingerless gloves Esther crocheted for me...they're so perfect for photography in the cold!

 

It really DID snow this winter, believe it or not! :)

 

Swingfull of snow

 

morning glow on white fluffy stuff

 

A world all coated in white...and the sunrise was gorgeous that morning.

 

We had snow cream that morning. It's absolutely delish! And my happy mug from Mexico:)

 

My ever present water bottle...and ever growing love of water

 

My first attempt at drawing labs and starting an IV.

I was successful even though I couldn't see the vein and had to go by feel. *proud grin*

 

 

touch of green in very brown woods

 

My Path :)

 

Sunshiny days and that BRILLIANT blue sky!

 

edges of sunset

 

The things you notice when you're on a quest for beauty

 

raindrops

 

Angel food cake (it's so FLUFFY!!!)

 

Ordering my pin...I can't believe this is happening to me!! 

 

the red candles in my room

 

I named him Jefferson (don't ask me why, because I honestly don't know:P).

(one of the Valentine's day gifts my sweet boyfriend gave me:)

 

 

tiny braids in hair

 

Proof that Quido is actually coming to visit me! And there's no return date! Hopefully

that means she'll stay forever:) :) 

 

curtains dancing in breeze

 

the fairy world inside a tulip

 

blooming things

 

curly wild onion stems

 

toes in grass

 

PEAS!! :D

 

The countdown till our final exam..:) 

 

And we are currently on Spring Break now and I'm sooo excited!! It's so wonderful to be able to just relax and not think about studying and being able to spend time with my guy and other people and just..aaaah!! I can barely contain the happiness! I hope this week doesn't fly by too quickly...

 

The # of pics is 78. It seems like so little compared to 1,000 but I've enjoyed it so much already, I'm very glad it won't be over soon.

 

"Why would the world need more anger, more outrage? How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world. When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into broken skin and deep crevices, LIFE grows. How can this not be the best thing for the world? For us? The clouds open when we mouth thanks." -Ann Voskamp

 

"The act of naming grace moments, this list of God's gifts, moves beyond the shopping list variety of prayer and into the other side. The other side of prayer, the interior of the throne room, the inner walls of His powerful, love-beating heart. The list is God's list, the pulse of His love--the love that thrums on the other side of our prayers. And I see it now for what this really is, this dare to write down one thousand things I love. It really is a dare to name all the ways that God loves me. This is the vault of the miracles. The only thing that can change us, this world, is this--all His love." -Ann Voskamp

 

I've experienced this! The more I name, the more I see, the more I give thanks and praise and make my list, the more I see God's love for me. The other day, I looked at the sky in all its glory and it hit me. God really loves me! It made my eyes sting and my insides go melty. We've heard it over and over...all the time. It's become an overstated (can it be overstated? maybe not) fact that we barely hear anymore. And then he pulls back the scales and we see and it makes us fall to the knees with the unworthiness of it all but...with gratitude and life changing hope and...love back. And it hit me too that it's been here all along. All this evidence of his love. Spread so lavishly all over creation and in my life, his fingerprints everywhere. And I feel a pang of shame. I have been so blind. This sight..this SEEING it all (or at least the tiny fraction I can take in right now) is so overwhelmingly beautiful and full of JOY.

 

I listened to a message by Paul Washer the other day. It's called "The glory of God in ministering to the Lord" and he had some really interesting thoughts along the lines of ministering to God! :) He starts with reading the first 2 verses of Acts 13 "Now there were in the church that was at Antioch certain prophets and teachers; as Barnabas, and Simeon that was called Niger, and Lucius of Cyrene, and Manaen, which had been brought up with Herod the tetrarch, and Saul. As they ministered to the Lord, and fasted, the Holy Ghost said, Separate me Barnabas and Saul for the work whereunto I have called them." After that it says the prayed for them and sent them away and then it lists a lot of the places they went to, spreading the gospel. Paul Washer points out that in any missionary history teaching or anywhere you hear about the history of the church, these verses are always pivotal when it comes to the first missionary movement ever started. He goes on to ask what they had come together for..what were they doing there? He asks what "ministering to the Lord" means, and after getting some feedback, he says he thinks they were gathered together to praise God. To lift him up. They didn't gather to map out a plan on how to save the lost, or a seminar on teaching people how lost the lost are. Their focus was entirely on God and they were ministering to him. And from that, the greatest missionary/church movement of all time was started. Isn't that beautiful? PW suggests that instead of prayer meetings like most churches have where we make lists of requests, someone should start a prayer meeting sometime where it's all about praising God (I always want to substitute "thank" for praise, but I'm not sure that's legal:P). Just focus completely on lifting God up...magnifying him. Speaking of all the good he's done in our lives, all the miracles he's worked, and ESPECIALLY the "little" things he's done for us, the stuff that's so easy to overlook, mention all the things we love and are thankful for and then just..thank him for them. I can't even imagine how happy it'd make people! :) I'm not saying requests are wrong. They're actually RIGHT, and just what God wants. But I agree with Paul Washer in that we've got it backwards. We have focused on man and his needs and if we'd switch our focus to God, we end in actually helping man...(more than we ever could alone), and when we start with man, it doesn't usually go much further than that. 

 

Okay I'm done! Goodnight:)

God has been filling me with joy recently (obviously hehe)…and lately, I’ve come upon some little revelations I suddenly feel like sharing.

 

I looked up a verse the other day. It was John 15:11. It says, “These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you and that your joy might be full.” The word “joy” has become special to me lately, and so reading that made me smile delightedly and it reconfirmed my suspicion that God wants to FILL us with Joy. Not just happiness. Or perfect circumstances. I think sometimes that Perfect Circumstances would be cheating us of so many good things. So God lets bad things happen…pain, disappointment, wounds…but He heals us. Makes us whole. And gives us Joy. :) Anyway, I read that verse, but thought, “These things…what things?” so I went back and read the beginning of that chapter. It’s the vine and branches allegory and it just really HIT me. Abiding in Jesus…all the time. Letting him kind of Live through and in us is what gives us JOY! I look around at my hurting friends and sometimes I wish I could just pick them up and physically carry them into God’s arms so they can be made whole and so he can give them Joy. But I’ve come to realize it’s a journey we all have to walk on our own. I might be able to pray for them and kind of hold their hand, but they have to be the ones to put one foot in front of the other and choose to walk towards God…and sometimes that’s hard. Because there are Doubts. And because Satan does NOT want us to get there. He does everything in his power to make it seem impossible.

 

Over the past few years (since I turned 17 or so), Life has felt like one blow after another. The times between wounds were simply periods of recovery and some healing. Whenever things got happy, I’d start bracing myself for the next horror. Which might not be the best way to live life. :P But I’m on my fifth month of Absolute Happiness now, and although I doubted it horribly at first, and was almost positive it was all too good to be true, I’m Living it to the fullest. :) Five months! That’s almost half a year. (*pauses to thank God*) I know life isn’t about happiness. It’s deeper than that. We shouldn’t pursue it like some final goal. And God has taught me so much through the painful times. So much, in fact, that I was scared I’d waste this happy time, and he’d have to bring pain again quickly to get me back on track. So I prayed a sort of weird-ish prayer. I asked God to help me make the most of this time in my life. To learn as much as was possible and grow closer to Him. And I think he’s answering that prayer. :) He’s showing me how he doesn’t waste anything. Even comforting us has more of a purpose than just making us feel good. The sermon last Sunday was incredible…and one of the verses he read was 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” I could feel my eyes widening as he read it. I’ve always felt a little insulted when I’m in pain and someone says consolingly, “Well, you’ll really be able to help other people who’re going through something like this someday…” I’ve wanted to say, “Yea, but right now, it’s about ME!” hehe Confession of selfishness. :P Now I feel like the pain was doing far more in me than it could ever help anyone else. I’m not sure if that’s right or not, but I think God’s main goal in allowing pain into our lives is for our relationship with Him. To deepen our faith in Him, to broaden us…and to teach us lessons we couldn’t understand otherwise. Being able to help other people is a very good side effect. But then the way he comforts us…THAT is for the benefit of other people. Isn’t that amazing? And not just when they’re going through the same kind of pain we’ve faced. But when they face ANY trouble! It’s not about the pain anymore, really. It’s about God’s comfort.  It made me happy for some reason. :) And there’s also that promise there of God comforting us in “all our tribulation.” Not just some of what we go through, but ALL of it. Some translations say affliction instead of tribulation, and Mr. Byler defined affliction as, “Affliction is life in a world that’s messed up. With people who are in pieces. It’s the pain, the agony, the travail that comes from living in a fallen world.” We all face that, I think. Which means we’re all wounded in one way or another. It’s part of living. But we have a God who makes whole…who heals…and who wants to fill us with Joy. I’m convinced that the only thing that keeps us from all being completely FULL of joy (regardless of circumstances) is our inability to let God in. And all the things we use as replacements for him. Self-pity being the first that comes to mind. You can’t learn anything when you’re pitying yourself. You can’t grow. I’m convinced it’s one of the biggest traps Satan ever came up with. It starts a cycle of doing the same wrong thing over and over and suffering more and more while offering no solution whatsoever; robs us of any possibility of Joy or being able to even connect with God. Plus it’s ungrateful. You can’t praise God when you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Nor can you admit you’ve done something wrong. And yet, I’ve caught myself doing it many times. There’s something so miserably satisfying about it. Singing “I’ll Praise You in This Storm” very loudly helped me with that once. :P If you make a choice to praise God…to thank him…even for the things you’re not quite thankful for, it’s a Huge Deal, I think. It changes your attitude, but beyond that, it somehow opens a door for Faith. If you thank God for ugly circumstances in your life because you know he has a good purpose in it, I have this feeling he smiles quite delightedly and thinks, “You’ll see what I’ll do with this…and you’ll love me for it. I’ll shock you with the JOY I have in store for you!” I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more pleasing to him than our thanks. And obedience, too, of course. :) But have you ever thought how easy it is to say “Thank you,” ? It still blows me away that this is all God requires in return for ALL the ways he blesses us. But really, that’s how it is. The natural relationship between God and man is Him giving and us receiving with thanks. We can’t hope to deserve the things he gives…or somehow earn them. But receiving with thanks pleases him. I’ve been thanking him for specific things lately…I’ve numbered them out in the little notebook Yolanda gave me that I’d thought was too sacred to ever really use…but this is perfect for it. :) I’m on number 478, and after a while of writing out things I love, I read over it all and instead of being a list of things I’m grateful for, it starts looking more and more like a list of ways in which God loves me. And the Joy is more than I can contain. The idea to list my happy things came from the book, “A Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. I happened to read it at the perfect time in my life and it’s completely changed my outlook and even my relationship with God. I’d recommend it to anyone. :)

Here's another Joy verse: "Thou wilt show me the path of life: in thy presence is fullness of Joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." -Psalm 16:11 (it's my favorite verse right now:)

 Speaking of things I'm thankful for, the Man below is my favorite. :)

Okay I’m going to stop rambling now.

Goodnight. :)

I know it's been almost a year since I've updated my poor, neglected xanga, but here I am once more. A lot has happened since I last posted. The journey I had been embarking on ended somewhat painfully but I'm okay and still studying away and kind of dedicating most of my time to learning all things pertaining to the world of RNs:) I graduate in approximately a year! So it may be another full year before I post anything again but I wanted to share something I listened to this morning that really spoke to me. Read it slowly:)

"I want you to be all mine. I am weaning you from other dependencies. Your security rests in Me alone. Not in other people; not in circumstances. Depending only on Me may feel like walking on a tightrope (my eyes bugged out at this part...for various reasons:) but there is a safety net underneath: the Everlasting Arms. So don't be afraid of falling. Instead, look ahead to Me. I am always before you, beckoning you on, one step at a time. Neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate you from my loving presence."            -God (through Sarah Young)

Deuteronomy 33:27

Romans 8:39

It's hard to be afraid while living for a God like that.

 

“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get—only what you are expecting to give—which is everything.” -Katherine Hepburn

I’ve been learning that vulnerability is key to love. I really don’t think you can have one without the other. Which makes me wonder how God handles it all. He IS love. He is the very embodiment of love…and wouldn’t that make him more vulnerable than anyone else too? He loves more deeply than we can even imagine…and we so carelessly walk through life…hurting him…and when you think of hurting him…you must realize that it goes DEEP. Our sin hurts things deep inside him…in a way that we can’t even experience. Because of how deeply he loves us. It’s quite the incentive for me…to walk more carefully…to give him everything…to obey him…to let him lead me.

Being in a relationship with a guy has been teaching me things about loving. About vulnerability…about how tough it is to be vulnerable…especially for me…because I’ve got issues (lol). I’ve been through some amount of pain…and somewhere along the line I think my heart kinda took over for me and wrapped a part of itself away from everyone and it hasn’t really been noticeable to me until now. You know how there’s this part of yourself you don’t walk into very often? You lock it away and when something inadvertently opens that door and you’re forced to face it you are immediately overwhelmed with a shocking wave of pain…and then you slam the door shut again and breathe deeply for a while…then you slowly step away and hope you don’t have to deal with that again for a while…sometimes it takes a few days to recover...and you hope it’ll go away on its own. But it doesn’t. I think we were meant to walk so closely with God that we take our hurts and wounds to him the moment they happen. If we give him our shattered dreams he is able to form them into pure beauty…and then we have beauty for ashes. It’s really amazing…how we could live if we chose to do it that way…but we don’t. Well, at least I don’t. I bury it deep and close it off from myself and everyone else…and then I miss out on things.

Pain is a funny thing. It seems to be the tool God uses most to draw us closer to him. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because nothing else would really make us aware of him. I know it's worked that way in my life. A friend of mine wondered a while ago if maybe one day (once we’re in heaven) we’ll look back and wish we would have faced a little more pain in this short lifetime…to be that much closer to God in eternity…it was an interesting thought to me. Gives one a whole new perspective.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that vulnerability is the exact opposite of control. It’s giving God (or a person) the right to see the most painful or ugly part of you…to actually feel it with you…it’s the scariest feeling I’ve ever experienced. Just the thought of it fills me with a certain fear. But despite that, I know it will be worth it. It would even be worth it if the person rejected you. (God will not!:) “I’d rather someone hate me for who I am than love me for who I’m not.” Right? So why do I hide behind my little protective layering? If I’m protected by walls that people cannot cross and if I keep control of everything I’m actually killing part of me. The part of me that can love the deepest. So that’s where I am right now. Knowing all this in my head and kind of telling God I’m willing…but still cringing a little in fear.

Here’s to a loving God who doesn’t leave us where we are but is constantly transforming us more and more into the best we can be in him...the more joyful and full of love and his mercy we can be...THAT is love!



Here are a few quotes I've been enjoying recently.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one. Wrap it up carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." C.S. Lewis

"The answer to religious complacency isn't working harder at a list of do's and don'ts. It's falling in love with God."

"What love we've given, we'll have forever. What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity." -Leo Buscaglia

"To love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another."

"The suffering caused by shattered dreams must not be thought of as something to relieve if we can or endure if we must. It's an opportunity to be embraced, a chance to discover our desire for the highest blessing God wants to give us, an encounter with himself." -Shattered Dreams







Goodnight everyone!:)