January 27, 2013

• January

  “The decision to be in God’s will is not the choice between Memphis or Fargo or engineering or art; it’s the daily decision we face to seek God’s kingdom or ours, submit to His lordship or not, live according to His rules or our own. The question God cares about most is not “Where should I live?” but “Do I love the Lord with all my heart, soul, strength and mind, and do I love my neighbor as myself?” It’s that second question that gets to the heart of God’s will for your life.” -Kevin DeYoung

   

  

  the gray stark beauty of winter

   

  As you can see, I’m reading Kevin DeYoung’s book called “Just Do Something.” It’s quite amazing, actually. It’s kind of thin but very heavy and it’s taking me a while to read it because I keep backtracking to actually “get” what he’s saying. It’s the kind of book I wish I’d have had about 2 years ago when the struggle of knowing God’s will felt like a huge burden and I couldn’t decipher it. I finally came to the conclusion that I should just…do something. Even without the book, but I wonder if I’d have had a bit of an easier road if I’d have read it back then. It’s a good book for youth. And anyone. It was recommended to me by my dad..who has very good taste in books:)

  I love the freedom of choosing God and just walking this journey trusting in his guidance and his ability to stop me if I start going down a road I shouldn’t. It agrees with my blithe nature of not really thinking before I do things. I’m not actually encouraging that. But if we’re seeking first the kingdom of God…if we honestly WANT to do his will…I think he’ll guide us to it. And I’ll leave it at that. If you want to get deeper into the subject, read the book!  

   

   

  

  Quido came for Ryan and Lacey’s wedding…spending time with 

  her was wonderful! My life always feels more complete with her around.

   

  

  how they get along

   

  

  how often does a girl get blessed with a best friend who is 

  wonderful AND gorgeous?

   

  

  we went to see Appomattox Courthouse and this is the home in which Lee surrendered to Grant…it was pretty historical and cool

   

  

  Quido made me stop to take pics of this place…:)

   

   

  

  our new pose.

   

  

  yummy food by mom..and set up so nice by Quido

   

  

  the beauty at the wedding…Lacey made her own roses…AND her own cake toppers! How cool is that??

   

  

  they were so beautiful that day. I loved their wedding so so much!!

   

  

  this is how Lacey looked the morning of her

  wedding…can you tell she likes plaid? I like her.

   

   

  

  I liked being a bridesmaid again…but that day was full of a lot 

  of mixed emotions…

   

  

  the flowers were amazing…I loved the queen anne’s lace and the golden rod. Lacey’s favorite flowers.

   

   

  

  these two were my constant companions and they’re as fun and wonderful as they look. Maya all snuggles and Anika goofy love.

   

  

  this child’s love of lettuce

   

  

  memories evoked

   

  

  golden sunset through curtain

   

  We’re going to Honduras in exactly 10 days. It blows my mind. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited about anything (except getting married to my guy, maybe). It’s been 3 years this month…if someone had told me I’d survive away from my beloved country for that long I’d have asked them what they were smoking. I wouldn’t have been able to stand for it! I would have thought I’d buy a ticket for myself and just go back. Alone, if need be. To hug my kids and talk with them and walk through the sunshine and feel my heart be at home again. But…I was in school. And then I was getting into work…and getting to know my guy…and…well, now we’re finally all going and it’s a beautiful thing. It’ll be Ryan and Lacey, the parents, and Christopher and I. The fact that my guy is coming along makes my heart so happy I can barely stand it! I’m glad that it’s before we’re married too…it’s such a huge part of me…and to share it with him before we’re married just seems…right. 

   

   

  

  latte and scone and friendship

   

  

  best chair ever (wish I could own one like it)

   

  

  I helped Lacey set up her first bookshelf. Made me happy..she has some awesome books!

   

  

  my favorite scarf

   

  

  happiness planning

   

  

  brave leafies hanging on

   

  A tiny part of me is almost scared to go back though. Things are so different. Some of the changes are going to hurt me. I already know some of them…but seeing them will be worse than just hearing of them. The colony so alone and desolate…no one living in any of the houses…our house has been “fixed.” I remember walking through it 3 years ago…tears streaming down my face as I took in its desolation and the despair of no one laughing there..no one living in that nice old house..the silence was deafening. And it was falling apart. They wouldn’t let us go in and take a tour when I asked permission so we sneaked in at night with Cristian crawling through the floor of my old room because there was a big hole there. I’m sure the hole is gone now…but I wonder if I’ll miss it. I do so hate change. And if it’s all perfect and Americanized (as I’m sure it will be), that’ll hurt me too. I’ve seen pictures of the manicured lawns around our old pond. The beauty of it is like a slap in my face. How does one get to the point where manicuring lawns and keeping a place pretty (in a land where people starve and children roam the streets with no one to take care of them) is more important than loving the children left in your charge? I don’t understand it. Someday…I hope I can completely forgive the people that have so hurt my kids…sometimes, I think I really have. And then more news reaches my ears and my heart shrinks into that state where bitterness could so easily take root. I’m trying to keep that from happening…God is helping me.

   

   

  

  *Sid voice* “piiiine cone!!”

   

  

  lunch with the Troyer family (they’re awesome) and especially this little girl

   

  

  reaching this point..:):)

   

  

  so many addressed envelopes already…once we have our invitations 

  and engagement pics (to be taken in Honduras) we should be able to ship

  them off with great ease

   

  Yolanda just had a baby. His name is Jadiel Esau. I’m going to make her let me take a photo shoot of him and I’ll be sure to post lots of pics of him. From what I’ve seen, he’s adorable with chubby cheeks and little slanty eyes..:)

   

  Harmony is married…and pregnant. Maybe she’ll have had her little girl by the time we get there. I really hope so. I want to meet her! And if I don’t this time, I don’t know when I will…even though I HOPE I can plan on an annual or every-other-yearly trip to Honduras. Christopher? Are you out there reading this? Make a note.

   

  

  I painted my toes in preparation of Honduras…white and blue

  to go with the flag and I’ll be wearing a Honduras shirt on the way down,

  and flip flops in my carry on (or purse, so I can reach them faster) and I’ll probably 

  wear those on the way off the plane because I’ll be so eager for my toes to see the 

  sun again!!

   

  

  I also got out some of my spring/summer clothes. Their bright, happy

  colors warmed my heart and made me squeak a lot.

   

   

  

  our yard a winter wonderland…

   

  

  winter in VA…

   

  Some of the kids have lost eyes…it makes my heart hurt. If you think about it, you could pray for us a lot during the next few weeks…I want to be a safe place for them…to help them lean harder on God…to see him first…and I know any unforgiveness in my heart could hinder that. 

   

  These “kids” (I guess I should stop calling them that now that they’re having children of their own) still inhabit the softest, most vulnerable spot in my heart. I think I cry almost every time I talk about them for any amount of time. I don’t understand why things are the way they are. Why things went down the way they did. Sometimes I wonder why God didn’t stop it. Or at least do something miraculous afterwards…to keep them from going astray. They’re the fatherless, after all. How does one leave a floundering kid whose had the only stability they ever known taken away from them? And how does that kid learn to trust God in all that dark despair and betrayal? I have to keep reminding myself the story isn’t over. They’re still alive. And I have to believe my prayers are heard and that God is doing something. That he’s doing it now, behind the scenes…and I can’t see him doing it. But I have to trust him. Because he’s proven himself to me…my whole life is a testimony to his greatness and what he can do to turn things around…to make the dark glittering light. To give me so many undeserved gifts…my whole world wrapped in them and His love. If he’s done so much in my life, he can do it for them. I don’t think God has favorites, but if he did, they would have a very special spot in his big, wonderful loving heart. Because they’re so alone and they’ve been hurt so much. I’m waiting to see what he will do. And trusting it to be beautiful…

   

  Here’s to the beauty of undying Hope…

   

  

   

  Goodnight

  • 7:58 pm
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