August 8, 2009

• Harmony

  I don’t know any greater therapy for the alleviation of misery than obedience. In the deepest extremity of sorrow, God gives us things to do–he offers us the consolation of obedience.”                  ~Elizabeth Elliot

   

  I feel like writing about Harmony tonight. I’ve been putting it off for a long time. Her birthday has come and gone and I did nothing. Because I knew this was going to rip me apart and that I would probably cry and that it would be difficult—to say the least.

  But I think I just might be ready now.

  Maybe.

  We shall see:)

  Harmony was born to a mean mommy. Maybe I shouldn’t put it that way…maybe she was just too young. Inexperienced. Irresponsible. Selfish. But for some reason, I don’t feel like excusing her too much…maybe simply because I love Harmony so much that I feel ill towards whoever even thinks of hurting her. And her mommy was one of the only ones of the mamas to drop off her children without ever coming back to check up on them…to give them a little love in spite of dumping them. So…although I probably don’t hate her, I simply do not like her a lot either…because I know she hurt Harjy.

  But I’m GLAD she gave her to us. Harjy was and is one of the most beautiful creatures to ever walk into my life and stay as a blessing and a joy.

  When she was 5 or so she officially moved in with us (she’d lived in other people’s houses before that…but still lived in the home there). She was a morning person. Like none I’d ever met before. She would awaken promptly at 6:00 every morning…but instead of rudely waking everyone up, she would pitter outside to the trampoline and sit there and sing. She would sing and sing till the guys woke up to milk our cows. I don’t think I ever heard her singing (I’m NOT a morning person, needless to say:), but I heard about it from mom, and it’s one of those memories that stands out to me…simply because it’s so uniquely HER.

  She has a great love for horses. As soon as she moved in with us, she made friends with all the horses. They would come when they saw her…because they couldn’t help loving her…they were captivated…like the rest of us. She was barely as tall as the weeds growing in our field and she had this huge, bright pink hat that she’d wear whenever with the horses…all you could see was the hat floating across the field as she walked toward her beloved horses.

  I remember one time she came to me with great big tears pooling in her eyes as she confided to me that she thought Palomino (the most lethargic of our horses) was mad at her. She said that she’d been talking to him and he’d turned away and ignored her. She felt shattered at how he’d treated her, and I tried to comfort her while valiantly trying to hold in the giggles as well.

  Harjy might very well be the most loveable person I know. She’s so REAL and in just being her, she has a way of saving you all kinds of trouble in making yourself love her…you just naturally do…because you MUST. There isn’t much choice in the matter:) She has an amazing capacity to love and is one of the most loyal people I know. She has a strong sense of justice and will stand for what she believes even if people don’t agree with her. She also stands up for her friends…to the point of physical violence. But that’s another story for another time;)

  I had a lot of switching around when it came to which girls slept in my room at different times. After Harjy moved in, she kinda just stayed…because we both liked it that way. She was growing up and we had more and more in common in our ways of thinking and talking, so we would stay up late at night and talk and giggle. We ended up getting deductions from our allowances many times as a result of giggling too loudly. The walls in our house were very thin and Papa and mom were only a few bedrooms across from us. So if we’d hear a warning knock on the wall we knew it was already too late. Papa didn’t appreciate stolen minutes of precious sleep so he didn’t bother with a whole lot of warning talks or anything. We’d just find out by Saturday when we saw how meager our allowance had become.

  Harmony can mimic pretty much anything and come away doing it better than the original person could. She can hiccup on command and it sounds EXACTLY like a drunk-person hiccup and she had quotes from movies that she’d spout off at all the wrong (or right—depends how you look at it:) times to shock and make people dissolve into laughter.

  I remember we watched Dennis the Menace once when she was a lot younger, and she was sitting on some distinguished person’s knee and telling him about how this little girl was calling the boy a “Baby-rump-kisser.” My mom was mortified and I don’t think we watched that movie again for a very long time.

  She’s extremely artistic. She draws beautifully…and is getting into color pencils too. She loves playing piano and composes some of her own music…and plays by ear. She’s also developing photography skills…something I find quite awesome:)

  She isn’t the type to blow up all over a person. The deeper the pain and hurt and anger the quieter she gets. There were times when I’d find her on “my/our” hill just sitting there quietly. I knew from experience that just sitting beside her in silence for a while was better than asking questions right away. I would wait…then she would talk on her own. If she needed to.  And her artistic side would enhance when she was in pain. She’d draw a lot to get rid of nasty emotions inside her. And boy can she draw!

  She has been deepened and broadened and beautified through pain. Sometimes I look at her eyes in recent pictures and it’s like before and after pics when comparing her to the image in my head…the way I remember her. The carefree childlike joy is gone…and now replaced with a pain in her eyes that hurts me beyond words. I wish I could shelter her from the hurts life throws our way…I’d like to protect her from ALL of them. And this is impossible. What’s more, I cannot even hold her through the storm. I’m too far away…and our contact is very limited.

  She’s had too much ripping in her life. The loss of all stability…the loss of a daddy and mommy who loved her…twice.  And now, over and over again, as people keep passing through her life—to take care of her, supposedly…but sometimes I wonder if doing it only for a time may be worse than not “helping” at all. Who wants temporary parents anyway? Then again, there isn’t much choice in the matter, and life wasn’t meant to be fair…so maybe I shouldn’t question these things. God is her daddy…and he is taking very good care of her.

  I’m not sure if it’s fair to say that Harmony is more special to me than anyone on this earth. Because I have many many special people. But maybe Harjy is just specialER than most. Because there was a sweeter trust and beauty about our relationship…something I’ve never experienced before or since…it was…well, SPECIAL. I’ve never felt a more protective-sisterly-LOVE for someone in all my life. And I had gotten quite comfortable and fulfilled in my role as confidant and sis. I loved it, to be honest…and treasured every bit of it. I loved being there for her. Even fighting her battles at times. It hurts awfully to not really be a part of her life anymore. Sometimes it seems almost surreal. Like it simply could not have happened. How did I lose so much? Maybe it’s all a nightmare after all and I’ll wake up soon and things will be beautiful again. Ha. So much for wishful thinking.

  Reality is crushing at times.

  After we found out we had to leave, everything changed. We clung to each other more fiercely in spirit. Determined to enjoy what little time we had left, but always with the knowledge that it wouldn’t last. I’ve often wondered if it’s better to know something bad is going to happen before it actually happens, or if it’s easier to just get slapped in the face with it. I haven’t decided yet. But knowing we were leaving was like knowing we had a terminal disease and we were going to die soon. You LIVE for all you’re worth, but everything gets tainted. Puts a whole new perspective on things, that’s for sure:)

  Anyway, Papa’s study (the room right beside mine), was one of my special places to go hide when things got kinda bad. I did my devotions in there, and Harjy didn’t like falling asleep by herself so she’d wrap herself in a blanket and come wait for me in the study. She would sit on the floor…and we’d do our own things in comfortable, companiable silence and then if we thought of something important or random to say, we’d say it. One night, a few weeks before we left, she was sitting in there with me and then she spoke into the silence completely out of the blue, “Beth…when you’re gone…who am I gonna talk to?” I remember sitting down beside her wordlessly and just hugging her as we wept. It’s a bittersweet memory.

  Well, I kinda knew this was going to be hard…and it has been. But I feel spent of words now and finished. I shall add some pics and then go see if I can sleep…you know how it feels when things start resurrecting old memories? I’m getting a little battered by the waves of recollections…the laughter of the past…and I feel old and tired now…and my eyes feel scratchy from too many tears…*sigh*

  

  I think she may very well be the most beautiful person ever…inside and out.

   

  Her and the broster.

  

  

  I LOVE this one:)

  

  Her and I.

  

  

  

  Shared tears…

  

  My spanish princess:)

  

  

  In her element.

  

  Beauty and pain…

   

  I like the sauciness in this one:)

  

  

  

  

  Her disgruntled expression after getting dumped into the water by her sisters:)

  

   

  One of our last “sleepovers” on my deck:)

  

  

  Beauty.

  

   

   

  Color.

  

  

  Goofiness:)

  

  Wish she COULD mail herself up this way!

  

  This one becomes disturbing if you look at it for too long, but I just HAD to post it…because she took it, and because NO ONE I know would have a pic like this…hence it’s unique…hence I like:)

  

  She likes shadow pics:)

   

  Yes. She took this. With her very small, very dinky camera. I’m telling you. She’s amazing:)

  Remember, my dear people…to love eternally.

  The end.

  • 1:46 am
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