February 24, 2010
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vulnerability versus control
“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get—only what you are expecting to give—which is everything.” -Katherine Hepburn
I’ve been learning that vulnerability is key to love. I really don’t think you can have one without the other. Which makes me wonder how God handles it all. He IS love. He is the very embodiment of love…and wouldn’t that make him more vulnerable than anyone else too? He loves more deeply than we can even imagine…and we so carelessly walk through life…hurting him…and when you think of hurting him…you must realize that it goes DEEP. Our sin hurts things deep inside him…in a way that we can’t even experience. Because of how deeply he loves us. It’s quite the incentive for me…to walk more carefully…to give him everything…to obey him…to let him lead me.
Being in a relationship with a guy has been teaching me things about loving. About vulnerability…about how tough it is to be vulnerable…especially for me…because I’ve got issues (lol). I’ve been through some amount of pain…and somewhere along the line I think my heart kinda took over for me and wrapped a part of itself away from everyone and it hasn’t really been noticeable to me until now. You know how there’s this part of yourself you don’t walk into very often? You lock it away and when something inadvertently opens that door and you’re forced to face it you are immediately overwhelmed with a shocking wave of pain…and then you slam the door shut again and breathe deeply for a while…then you slowly step away and hope you don’t have to deal with that again for a while…sometimes it takes a few days to recover…and you hope it’ll go away on its own. But it doesn’t. I think we were meant to walk so closely with God that we take our hurts and wounds to him the moment they happen. If we give him our shattered dreams he is able to form them into pure beauty…and then we have beauty for ashes. It’s really amazing…how we could live if we chose to do it that way…but we don’t. Well, at least I don’t. I bury it deep and close it off from myself and everyone else…and then I miss out on things.
Pain is a funny thing. It seems to be the tool God uses most to draw us closer to him. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because nothing else would really make us aware of him. I know it’s worked that way in my life. A friend of mine wondered a while ago if maybe one day (once we’re in heaven) we’ll look back and wish we would have faced a little more pain in this short lifetime…to be that much closer to God in eternity…it was an interesting thought to me. Gives one a whole new perspective.
So I’ve come to the conclusion that vulnerability is the exact opposite of control. It’s giving God (or a person) the right to see the most painful or ugly part of you…to actually feel it with you…it’s the scariest feeling I’ve ever experienced. Just the thought of it fills me with a certain fear. But despite that, I know it will be worth it. It would even be worth it if the person rejected you. (God will not!:) “I’d rather someone hate me for who I am than love me for who I’m not.” Right? So why do I hide behind my little protective layering? If I’m protected by walls that people cannot cross and if I keep control of everything I’m actually killing part of me. The part of me that can love the deepest. So that’s where I am right now. Knowing all this in my head and kind of telling God I’m willing…but still cringing a little in fear.
Here’s to a loving God who doesn’t leave us where we are but is constantly transforming us more and more into the best we can be in him…the more joyful and full of love and his mercy we can be…THAT is love!
Here are a few quotes I’ve been enjoying recently.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one. Wrap it up carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” C.S. Lewis
“The answer to religious complacency isn’t working harder at a list of do’s and don’ts. It’s falling in love with God.”
“What love we’ve given, we’ll have forever. What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity.” -Leo Buscaglia
“To love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another.”
“The suffering caused by shattered dreams must not be thought of as something to relieve if we can or endure if we must. It’s an opportunity to be embraced, a chance to discover our desire for the highest blessing God wants to give us, an encounter with himself.” -Shattered Dreams
Goodnight everyone!:)
Comments (9)
I like the “Shattered Dreams” quote, Beth. When we see our lives and all that happens day to day as a journey toward more and more fellowship/encounters with God, we can “Bear all things, believe all things, hope all things…love never fails!”
I really needed that last verse from Isaiah. My mind was in a turmoil the last couple weeks, and I realize that my mind was not stayed on Him, if it would have been I wouldn’t have had such a battle in my mind. Oh my, we never get done in the classroom of life, do we. Thanks for sharing.
@karynscottage - I like that you like it! What you said is very true…I wanna get to that point…*sigh* The quote is from a book. it’s called Shattered dreams…it’s really life changing…amazing perspective. You should read it!:)
@ilovecooking - Thank YOU:)
Once again, I loved reading all that you wrote, Beth!
It gives me alot to think about and meditate on! Thankyou again too, for your openness and just sharing your heart as it is! 
I really enjoy reading all your thoughts about things, and hearing your perspective on whatever you are facing or going through! 
I loved all your pics too!! They are so beautiful!!! =) Ok… I’ll stop before I get to longwinded here… 
~Carol
I enjoyed this a lot, Beth, and it’s something I really need to hear and read. Over, over, over, and over again.
That quote by C.S.Lewis was one I read years ago and had almost forgotten. Very convicting for me. Thanks for sharing it.
I needed this too! Vulnerability looks like a huge deal for me sometimes. But the alternative is worse. You worded this in such a way that it became so clear to me how we need to be…like a child again…May God protect us and not we ourselves. Living in the light is to live transparently. thanks!
@haileyhelm - You make me smile:)
@successjournal010 - aw…thanks, Beth. It’s basically the hardest lesson I’ve ever learned…but…*sigh* It is worth learning:)
@tina_eicher - Welcome, Tina!:)
@His_inn - thanks, mom. Love you:)
Oh wow! that is me in a nutshell! ..our hearts are like a house with different rooms..when someone comes to visit do we stand on the front porch and hold them at arms length or can we step aside and welcome them into our rooms with open arms…it’s something I want but is extremely scary at the same time…