May 23, 2009

• My God

  “Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.”    –C.S. Lewis

   

  Recently, one of my friends mentioned something about God being our everything…and it got me to thinking. What is God to me? There is no possible way I could ever capture even a fraction of who he is in my life and what all he’s done for me…because I don’t think I even know. My little pea brain cannot be expected to grasp even a teensy tiny bit of his greatness.  But the part that I do understand…the parts of Him I’ve grown to love…that, I CAN try to capture and write. So here goes. I shall try to do it in order…the way he’s revealed himself to me…allowing me little glances and peeks of how absolutely wonderful he is. In doing this, I think I will probably also write a little of my spiritual journey…

  My Comfortor: This is when he first became real to me. At a time in my life when I was shocked at the depth of pain I was made to experience. The unexpectedness of it caught me off guard and I had no idea how to handle it. I turned to God and have found comfort in him like nowhere else. It’s funny, but when the Bible tells us we will not be made to suffer more than we can bear (my own words there), I don’t think God coldly stands back, evaluates us and says, “Ok. She’s ready. Bring it on.” I don’t think I would ever have been ready for some of the things I’ve been through. Humanly speaking, there’s no way I could have made it through. So I think God gives us pain. We don’t really have a choice in the matter…but that’s because no one would willingly choose pain. Because we don’t see the big picture. Our vision is so clouded by the now that we couldn’t possibly fathom the GOOD that God can bring through it. So he doesn’t let us choose whether we want pain or not. He just gives it to us and trusts us to trust him. I’ve thought about it and I think it’s like a two-hand deal. In one hand is the pain, but then he draws out his other hand, and in it is strength. We can choose to face it alone. But if we choose to trust him, to accept that strength…the results are amazingly beautiful. And in that…he has become…

  My Strength: I would be either insane or dead without him. 

  My Savior: You’d think this would be first, huh? Well, I’m weird.  I’ve lead a different type of Christian life, maybe. He’s been my Savior since before I even knew it. This is in the order in which I “found out” different things about him…and I don’t think I really knew him as my Savior until after he’d become my comfortor and strength. I’m not quite sure why…maybe it was my pride. Not wanting to admit I needed saving. Maybe it was the fact that I ”accepted him into my heart” when I was very young. Almost too young to really fathom what was going on. Nontheless, he has saved me. Saved me from so very much. And I love him for it.

  My Healer: He has healed me in ways I once thought completely impossible. There are things in life you don’t think you’ll ever get over. Things you don’t even WANT to get over. And yet…he heals you from even those…if we let him. Some people think God will do only as much as you trust him for. I suppose that’s true, to a certain extent…but I find it very humbling to think that God could have stopped at the end of my faith. He has gone so far beyond that. Surprising me with joy when I least expected it. Filling my life with so many reasons to praise him. He amazes me.

  My Guide: I must admit I’m a horrible follower. I don’t obey very well and I’m constantly wondering off, but he faithfully guides me back, over and over again…and loves me despite myself.

  My Fortress: Maybe this should be under “My Strength” but “Fortress” just captures it better. I get a picture of this big rock cave. Where I run whenever I need him. Always faithful. Always exactly where I left him last time. A place to hide from storms that threaten to annihalate me completely. A place I can run without shame or worry. I never have to be afraid that I’m getting on God’s nerves because I’m constantly needing him. He delights in my neediness. Because it’s then that he’s my strength:)

  My Forgiveness: There are times when it’s hard to forgive myself for things. I don’t think I have much of a problem with forgiving others *looks around nervously*…or myself, come to think of it. I think I’m far too easy on myself. I can come up with the grandest excuses and weedle my way out of things I should be very very sorry for…and I’m just…not. But then there are things…things that can fill me with regret so profound it threatens to swollow me whole. It did for a while. Guilt. It might be almost worse than pain. Especially if it’s mixed with the pain of loss…and remorse…and… Anyway, I’ve decided that guilt is only good for one thing: to bring us to repentence. After we repent, it’s useless; for good, anyway. After that it just gnaws away at a person until we feel like we’re drowning in it. But sometimes God’s grace is almost unfathamable. It doesn’t seem quite right. Like it’s too easy. Maybe we should punish ourselves first. And so we do. We make ourselves miserable…for what? Nothing, really. And we’re selling God short. But he forgives even THAT unbelief.  Yes. He is mercy, grace and forgiveness…all wrapped up in so much love he takes my breath away.

  My Love: This, he’s been from the very start…but I don’t feel like I’ve known it until very recently. How his love really works. It’s all-consuming. It’s the purest, most unconditional love I’ve ever known. It leaves me completely speechless…and I really can’t think of much more to say about it. Other than that I’m thirsting for it like I’ve never longed for anything else. It’s become my life-goal to allow God to love people through me. I want him to simply take my body and use it as a little funnel to pour his love through…and in the process I want to forget all about me and simply become that love. Because if I can love the way he does I’ll never have to worry about the “careless permission of sin” that some people view as love…but this is a  love that inspires a love for God in the hearts of those around me. True God-love.

  My Joy: He gives me so many reasons to thank him for the rest of my life. He has a way of surprising me with his love. Little things I could easily take for granted (and do, way too often)…he hides it in the little spots of an ordinary day and then reveals beauty and encouragement just when I need it. Through my friends…through the simple, smooth petals of a tiny little flower… And I keep discovering anew how deep his love really goes. I think it will take a lifetime and then the rest of the entirety of eternity to begin to understand his love for us. And this fills me with joy.

  

  me 

  • 3:46 am
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