June 8, 2008

• “Quiero amar…como que si fuera mi ultimo dia de vida…”  ~Beth

  I’m feeling sad tonight…which keeps happening pretty often these days. But someone told me that feeling sadness is ok. It’s a constructive emotion…whereas anger, bitterness, etc are NOT. I have issues with those feelings too…but I just realized something.

  I am chosen. I am called. I am LOVED. When God made me (and as he keeps making me),  he gave/gives me all the things I need to get through what I’m going through. Looking back, if someone would have asked me if I’d have been able to make it through this, I would have gone into a moment of shocked silence, then I would have said, “No. I would go insane…or just die.”

  I have had my moments!! But I AM still alive…and I keep seeing how awesome God really is. He has called me to…well, he’s called me to PAIN. For now, atleast. I feel like I have lost so much…and that I keep losing…that I’ve been losing people for way too long to remain sane…and now, in one viscious swipe, everything else was ripped away. It’s funny, isn’t it, how one can look back in time and feel the pain of years before, and realize we thought it couldn’t get worse than that back then, and then WHAM it gets worse…and you look into the future (not always a good thing, by the way), and realize it’s not over….and that it might (horrible thought!) get even worse.

  For a while, I decided (subconsciously) that if I had to lose everyone I ever loved, then I should just stop loving. I mean, REALLY, it is such an easy way out…but it’s not nearly as fulfilling, as joyful, as good…as loving people…even knowing that they might die tomorrow…loving them MORE because of that fact.

  Love hurts. Ha…yeah, you all know that already…but no, it REALLY HURTS. When you love someone (really love), you open up your heart to that person and give away little chunks of yourself…and if that person rejects you…then WOW…that really hurts…but it hurts too, if they get taken away…because when they’re gone, they take bits and pieces of you with them. Sometimes, I think there’s so many bits and pieces of me missing that there’s no possible way I’ll ever be whole again…but God has a way of filling in the missing pieces…and doing it so well, that I sometimes overflow…which is seriously a miracle, all in itself.

  I guess living in the present is the only answer. I tried living in the past…have been doing it for the past couple months…maybe even years…and it’s mere existance, cuz you’re really NOT living! I still can’t think of the future…it hurts entirely way too much. Move on? Are you kidding me?! I have enough work just to drag myself out of bed in the morning and try to face another day…I know, it’s kinda lame, but when all the joy goes out of life, and pain is all you feel, waking up just isn’t as fun as it used to be. Especially if you’re not a morning person to begin with.

  I’ve learned some things about God… 1) He’s ALWAYS on time (might not be my time, but it always works out perfectly somehow=) 2) He pushes the limits as far as they can possibly be stretched…just when I think I can’t take any more, I get hit with another blow, and realize I can after all…or more like, HE can…through me!! 3) He loves me…no, I mean he REALLY loves me! It’s still such an unfathomable thought…but he does…and I can’t help but loving him back…and trusting him. Sometimes I have to CHOOSE to trust him…despite ugly circumstances that I can’t do anything about, but ultimately, I just trust him cuz he deserves it. He’s earned my trust…so many times, and there’s no way I CAN’T trust him.

  One thing that has so amazed me the past few days, is how God has just decided to open up the floodgates of Heaven and bless me with so many friends…a lot of new ones (oh so special to me!!), and some old ones that came back…(I think you know who you are! =). They are so sweet and beautiful. And I do so love all of you…who have meant so much to me through this…loved me through it…cared…and simply BEEN THERE. Thank you. Los amo…de verdad.

  Question: Have you ever met someone, and you immidiately felt God inside you kinda give you a jolt, as he recognizes himself in another person? (If that doesn’t make sense to you, then it’s never happened.) I’ve gone through most of my life, with it only happening once or twice…I actually think it’s cuz I was too angry and bitter to recognize anything but my own pain…sad, I know…but it’s been happening so often lately, and I think it’s my FAVORITE part in my dreary little life, as is. It’s so beautiful…when you see someone that loves God, and they see that you love God too, and you almost instantly love each other…because of GOD!!! I seriously think I’ve been missing out on one of the most important things in the Christian’s life…till just recently…and I don’t think it’s cuz of different people (well, that might have a little bit of something to do with it after all=), but I think it’s mostly because of ME. I can’t really say what happened…other than that I found FREEDOM!!…and that I’ve been through a lot of pain…and that might be part of it too. Pain. It forms a kinship between people that simply can’t be found elsewhere…which is sad. Why can’t we be born with that kinship…and all the wisdom that comes with pain…without having to go through it? Huh? But I guess it wouldn’t mean as much if life were perfect…

  Man…I’m seriously rambling. Can’t believe I’m gonna push the “save changes” button on this one….put you guys through all that…but then again, you DON’T have to read it!! Won’t be a bit offended… I guess it’s just part of my learning experience these days…and my thoughts from tonight…all put together, in my jumbled way of expressing myself.

  So yes. I don’t really know why, but I just randomly decided to post this…because I feel like sharing all this with all of you…even if you don’t care that much…ha! If you don’t care, you won’t have wasted all your time reading this far down the page!! =) To all of you who have made it this far…congratulations! I love you. 

  Just me.

  • 11:34 pm
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